If my memory is right, I can remember telling them
– six drunkards in total – something like this: “your discussion is flawed; it
can’t break-even (whatever that means). Why don’t you consider some lesser
demanding topics such as ‘the adaptation
of iguanas’ or ‘the fall of Jericho’ people”?
To drive my point further, I remember saying “if you think that I am demanding
too much, you can concentrate on your drinks. No one is condemned to talk all
the night; silence is also a form of noble communication.” I still doubt
whether they understood me.
Marianna – the drunkards’ secretary – had not
anticipated that what she had introduced as a naive suggestion would turn out
to be a waste of time. “Don’t you think that it is wise that we start an income
generating activity (IGA) Instead of this endless indulgence to alcohol?”
“I propose that we start a curio shop, Marianna,”
Siddie suggested in support of such a debate.
“Siddie, what is this thing you call curiosity? Is
it the one that was killed by rats? Kana
ni ndu ichi ureta korokoro anga kii?” Kariakoo’s remark irritated her. And
in a low tone, he went ahead careful not to hurt her gain “I mean no harm dear
but how do you expect us to start a carry powder business, kana ni nduka yakii urauga tuige?”
“You don’t have to parade your ugly ignorance here
Kariakoo; you better shut that foul mouth if you don’t know what a curio shop
is. Anyway Siddie, a curio shop can succeed in a place frequented by tourists.
Are you prepared to convince drunkards the likes of Salim to spend their hard
earned cash on crocodile carvings instead of this concoction Siddie?” Professor
posed.
“You are very unfair to Siddie’s suggestion,”
Joshua intervened. “Honestly speaking, I don’t know what a curio shop is. I am
therefore unfit to speak for or against such a shop. Honorable drunkard county
men and women, why don’t we start a church? Are you in support of my idea
Salim?”
“You see I am not a
Christian…!” Salim spoke at last.
“We know that you are
a Muslim, but that should not frustrate my brilliant proposal”
“Joshua do yourself
justice. Keep quiet. The fact that you were ex-communicated from Happy Valley Anointing Church is not a
license to go on poking your ugly nose to other people’s religions. I am neither
a Christian nor a Muslim; I belong to that religion called ‘other’. If you have
brains, you have understood!” Salim was serious.
“Eik! People, moderate your words.” I told Salim
and Joshua who had both decided to seek refuge in their concoctions after
verbally attacking each other. To show how impartial I was I invited the other
drunkards to give their opinions.
“I think Joshua is a jean (he meant genius). To
become stinking rich these days, start a church. Having served as an Associate
Reverend of Happy Valley Anointing Church,
I believe we can bank on the big experience he gained there. If you make me treasurer, we can ordain
Joshua as the Senior Reverend. I know he can deliver. His ‘strong’ sermons are still fresh in my
mind. Kiria tukubatara is just a task
force to check his movements lest he 'messes' with with the young pretty girls of the choir.” Looking
at the rest of us Kariakoo posed, “Do you want what happened in Happy Valley to
repeat itself in our church?”
“Joshua has
suffered enough emotionally since that fateful day. Wee need not humiliate him further
especially in this pub. Do you comprehend my point Kariakoo? Otherwise, any business – including those
clandestine assignments – must respect the Jacobean rule of demand and supply.”
Professor turned to Joshua and dared him “Joshua, how viable and sustainable is
your business idea?”
“I regret having regarded you (he was referring to
Professor) in deep ewe (he meant awe) and reverence all along” Kariakoo
interrupted denying Joshua the opportunity to respond to Professor’s question
immediately. “I wonder what you cheat in school. You don’t need spectacles to
see sinners all over. Thanks to the appealing and tempting nature of sins.
These sinners require a constant reminder that their bodies will painfully burn
to ashes in hell if they don’t change. Ha! Ha! Ha! I like that.” We all looked
at Kariakoo as he advanced the fantasy “How many agree with me that we are
capable of supplying the ‘gospel of fear’ in gallons to the people?” Some
drunken bass voices groaned in agreement. He had spoken out his mind again –
without fear or favor.
Deep inside my heart, I knew that I was not very
ready to consent to such an enterprise. I knew it would be a recipe for
disaster. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob would send curses to the drunkards of
the county in plenty. Failure to let the ‘will of the majority’ prevail would definitely
result to a coup d’état. I was not psychologically prepared to see Kariakoo
ascend to chairmanship (it is no longer a secret that he harbors such ambitions)
for sins of commission and omission. Unsure of what to do, I said “it is
written: Thou shall not worship any other God.” If I knew best, I would not
have said that.
“Eheeee! Mr. Chairman, you can set up a public
toilet instead. As a matter of advice, that sounds like an honest holy
business. But, I say ‘but’, count us out,” Kariakoo was serious. “You are an
obstetrics (he meant an ‘obstacle’) and an enemy of progress. When money became
our god, we buried Saint Honesty without a funeral. We don’t even feel guilty
these days, do we?”
“Mr. Senior Gossiper –” I lazily raised my eyes to
see who else wanted to frustrate the chair further. It was Joshua. “The key
issue is to come up with a formula of milking as much money from the people as
possible. What is wrong doing it every Sunday? If the demand is high, we can
think of introducing morning devotions every Wednesday. Mind not, the end
justifies the means.”
“I don’t support the idea of starting a church.”
Marianna spoke her mind. “Why don’t we start a beauty salon?”
Siddie was very quick to second Marianna “I back
you up Marianna.”
“Ehee! Ok! Saloooon…! Siiiiddie… Saaaalon..! Maaaarianna…!
Ahaaa…! Will your hair,” Kariakoo wondered making queer eye glances to Siddie “be
made up there; I mean added a make-up there or elsewhere? I am assessing how
much we will have to loose, because we will loose anyway. According to my guess
work, I mean nimuririhaga? (He was
asking Sidddie and Marianna – who as a matter of fact, would require the
services of such a facility” Kariakoo was very drunk.
The drunkards must have continued wrestling with
each other vigorously – verbally though – but how I ended up in Marianna’s
house remain a mystery. I don’t even know what the drunkards concluded – If in
any case they concluded. I don’t even know how the bills were settled. What I
know is that I took breakfast at Marianna’s coffee table the following morning.
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