If it must not be in the name of love, then I don’t know what it must be

“Aaaaai Prof, you can’t be such mean. Just this one for your wife this Valentine, don’t you love her?” Marianna probed. It was not clear whether she wanted to shame Professor or she had another intention. Those who know more about other people’s families more than they know about theirs (each village has at least two, a man and a woman. The woman is called Nyakang’a in the environs of Thirsty Throats pub. I don’t know what a man is called), will tell you that Professor has not been in very good terms with his first lady.  Marianna’s remark was like adding sodium chloride into a festering wound.

 “Where did you take this photo from?” Professor inquired from Marianna, still holding her Samsung touch screen phone unsure whether to drop it down or hand it back to her. The conversation which he had jokingly initiated to tease her, was taking a different route. He had not anticipated this. He must have regretted. He continued gazing at the photographed ‘queen’ wearing the dress which she was recommending for Ms Professor. She must have intentionally taken it few days ago, to challenge and embarrass some drunkards on that day.

“But, eeeh, I mean, aaaa…..”

“Are we not drinking ndugugio from the same jerrycan as this miserable teacher here tondu ambiririia gutondoiora tene uguo? Speak up Prof!” Kariakoo’s remark invited disaster.

“You can’t harm him as I watch!” Marianna took hold of Prof’s arm that could have disfigured the head of the keeper of cattle and added “you know he is just the licensed village idiot, do it to me instead”

“I am not idiot. I have sired great men and women in this county and else where” as a matter of fact Kariakoo added “hiiiii ndukairire karagita hunyu!”

“Aziii! You say ‘great’ Kariakoo?” Siddie wondered “Wah! This is what I call life!” 

       

“You are doubting my ‘hard work’ Siddie?...Ngugegie? My first daughter is your age mate. I hear from people, that she is a big woman in this country” Kariakoo – with a feeling of importance added, “na ndiretia.”

“Is it true that you have been married to so many wives?” I asked Kariakoo to confirm a rumor that has been doing round in the county.

“You have said it because the one that I have now is the sixth one,” Kariakoo added “apart from the second and the fourth wives, the rest escaped with two children each. Ciana ciakwa  nii mwene” Kariakoo was very happy to parade the fruits of his labor.

“And you can’t be ashamed Karias?”Siddie mused.

“Siddie, Kai utoi Ngai? If you refuse to get many children, how do you expect this world to be filled up? Did God not tell them to multiply and fill the earth? Siddie, Niurona ta tukuhiriirie kumiihuria?” Kariakoo justified his actions.

“Kariakoo, you are a spoilt child. Reread your Bible and underline the words ‘subdue it’, not just filling. You think we are condemned to breed like rabbits? Shame on you! Who was your nursery school teacher? “Marianna was not very happy.

“There is something called decorum,” Professor intervened in a very confident but commanding tone “lack of it to so many people here is a detriment to harmonious co-existence.”

 “Yes, tell them…”

“You too. You should not attempt to exonerate yourself Kariakoo. In fact you are the head honcho as far as moral bankruptcy is concerned. Ok, that aside. Marianna is accusing me of not dressing my wife elegantly like this socialite here” he held the touch screen higher for us to have a better view “She is recommending similar attire for my wife this Christmas.”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! huuuuuu! You guys have chosen to amuse me today. Prof, eti Christmas...?” Siddie was dazzled.

“We all love Christmas, don’t we? We are the luckiest drunkards now that Christmas has decided to appear this early. Can I see that picture too?”

Professor handed over the phone to Kariakoo. Kariakoo’s eyes were for some time fixated on that screen. We learnt later that he was not obsessed by the dress per se, but by the body on which it was worn. He finally declared “I will buy this one for my wife.”

“Can I see it too,” I requested Kariakoo. He was not in a hurry to let us share in his newly found glory.

“And you have a new message Marianna. Kana ni ndu ino inyui muui?”  Kariakoo held the screen very close to my face. I saw the alert.

“He is right. You have a new text message Marianna” I told her.

“Who is the sender?” Marianna enquired.

“It is from a number. The name is not displayed” I assured her.

“What does the number want from me?”

“Marianna, you have forgotten that we are not angels or Masonic. How can we know na tutithomete?”

“I know you are not Michael the Arch Angel; you are Karias, but are you not the one with the phone right now?”

“Alcoholic men and women, ciira muingi ni wa uthoni ugikua, l will read it now. Kariakoo gulped one mouthful of the Cana concoction to help him clear the throat. He raised his voice and he read: “Daktari, if a million people love you, I am the first one. If only one person loves you I am the one.  Esi ti hch…hich….what is this?”

“That is the word ‘sweet heart’” I told him.

“Aak! How much does it cost to write words in full instead of these ‘Ss Ts and Rs and Ws’? ”

“You known what Kariakoo, Some people find it tantalizingly romantic to write in short forms.” To hammer the point further into his head, I said “You should also know that the message was not meant for you. You are simply intruding into someone’s dressing room”

“ Eeee? Ok! So with those ‘SSS understood as sweet heart, let us go on.” He coughed and read with some overtones of sarcasm “Sweet heart, have a happy valentine.”

Professor jerked from his stool and stood up holding two glasses  full of concoction  on each hand – one for him and one for Marianna – and shouted “Hoiiiiii, let us drink for the health and love of one Marrrrrri………a………naaaaaaa!”  It was Marianna’s turn to feel embarrassed but the ecstasy was too tempting to resist. He sat down and put his right hand on Marianna’s shoulder. He allowed the hand to suspend freely – the hand desired to trespass some parts, but it dared not. The concoction’s influence gave him an illusion that only Marianna heard him, but all the same we heard what he told her “I will buy that dress for you.”

“And Professor, do you take Marianna to be your lovely wedded wife,” we all looked towards the direction of the voice. I t was Joshua and Salim announcing the arrival of their ugly sight. They were both drunk. Joshua’s eyes had been quick to spot the lovebirds. All the patrons gazed at these drunkards. Joshua went on, “in times of anger and in plenty of food, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish?”

“Yes, in times of sobriety and impropriety, I do.” Professor responded.

“But which society or religion allows a woman to be married to two men? Or you think that I am not married?”  Marianna posed.

“Haiya!  So you are married?” Kariakoo asked with a lot of concern. Before she could respond, he turned to Siddie who was busy chatting with Salim and implored her “you too?”

“You are speaking to me Karias?” Siddie invited Kariakoo to repeat again.

“Yes. I am asking whether there is any man who call you ‘my wife’ in this county or elsewhere ndui mundu utoi amenyaga erwo”

“Karias, just keep a safe distance away from my private life. Whether there is or there isn’t, is none of  your business. Otherwise just take care of your many wives this valentine.” She turned to the rest of us “excuse me people, I am sorry but I must leave”

“Can I escort you?” Kariakoo requested her as she was exchanging some words with me.

“Thanks, but there is no need.” Siddie politely told Kariakoo. She shortly left.

“Ahaa! I know where she has gone to.” Kariakoo went at the window. He watched Siddie until the winding road that connects the pub to the main road swallowed her. Sleep hijacked him while standing there.

Siddie’s departure provoked a different kind of a longing to everyone. The conversation became less and less intense. Professor was dead silent. His eyes betrayed the fact that he was very intoxicated. Salim concentrated on emptying the bottles. Marianna was doing something with her phone. My mind kept wandering from the pub, to the drunkards, to elsewhere and back again. Fun moments last briefly; why? Only God knows.