So, what does he do to earn a living?

“You can fool some people some time but you cannot fool all the people all the time”

“Who has fooled you professor?”

“I have always suspected him. Now let us see who is smarter.”

“Professor, are you ok?” Kariakoo continued to prod him further.

“Kariakoo, you need to be worried. We have been drinking with thugs.” Professor told Kariakoo.

“So after teaching Christian Religious Education to class four’s, you come here to hurl insults to us by calling us thieves,” I felt like slapping his face. I was mad at him “so, can you name that which we have stolen from you now!”

“Prof, why are you calling us thieves?” Siddie was very concerned.

“It is ridiculous that some people who possess nothing worth stealing can claim to be stolen.” Marianna continued, “Prof, apart from the recent  scandal which forced your wife to run away  with your boots, has someone else stolen your pants....or who is this that is terrorizing you?” 

Professor remained unperturbed by our utterances.  He instead gestured to the barmaid who came close to him. “Can you decorate this table with twelve bottles? Yes, I mean twelve” He then turned to his left. Marianna was still looking at him – demanding an explicit answer. On his direct opposite, Siddie was still coming into terms with a name tag ‘thief’. She must have felt the agony experienced by one who is honest and innocent being arbitrarily branded by the society as a ‘thief’. I remained silent ; I was not sure what plan of action to take against him. Kariakoo was un-affected. In fact he seemed to be enjoying the ‘heated’ atmosphere that was engulfing Thirsty Throats Pub.

The barmaid, known by other name as The Lady-In-Red by Professor – the first time his eyes rested on her, she was wearing a red knee-length dress. Ever since, he has maintained the habit of addressing her in relation to that dress – placed twelve bottles of Cana Concoction on the table. “Thank you,” he told her. He foraged into his breast -pocket and handed to her some notes. He added – with manly-pride, “for the total bill please?” He turned to us. “Siddie and Marianna” he paused, Kariakoo looked at him cunningly wondering why he had left out his name, he continued “You are not thieves.”

“So it is he,” Kariakoo said pointing at me “who is a thief – “

“I am not your grandfather!” I told Kariakoo after landing a heavy blow on Siddie’s face by accident. Kariakoo must have sensed the looming danger; he was quick to evade the ranging hand. It was too late to control it; unfortunately it landed on the beautiful face of Siddie. On her part, Siddie forgave me but I still regret up to this day that I had to go to such extent. I wish I had ignored that fool. 

“Hey! Mr. Chairman, this time you have gone too far,” Professor teased me. “Women are no longer beaten these days. It is a sign of weakness to beat a lady. Are you not man enough to argue your case out?" He seemed not to know how sorry I felt. He also seemed ignorant of the fact that it was just an accident. I wished he could stop trending on that tormenting line. He did not. “Will you not speak up after inflicting pain on a harmless lady Mr. Chairman?”

“Prof, stop it please. It is I who has been beaten. It is also I who has forgiven. I have no grudge against him. I have no grudge against anybody here too.” Siddie’s voice prompted all the drunkards to listen to her. She continued, “Prof, can you come out clean about the thief or the thieves, either real or imagined, who seem to have possessed your mind this evening please”

Professor took out a newspaper from his  old bag  and gave it to Siddie. “Your thief is there!”

“Where, please?”

“Siddie, don’t tell me that you can’t see him there,” Professor told her. “You can try to find him near the obituaries section. I am sure you will be able to locate that burglar.”

Siddie perused through the pages quickly until she came across it. She looked at it without uttering any word. She looked at it again. To be certain that her eyes were not playing abracadabra with her; she looked at it for the third time. She then looked at Professor but said nothing. Professor said nothing too.

“What is wrong with you people today?” I threw the question to no one in particular. To ‘whom it may concern’ would answer. Nobody answered. Shame overwhelmed me. Was I loosing relevance as the de facto Mr. Chairman – a.k.a. Senior Gossiper – of Thirsty Throats Self Help Group?

Siddie must have sensed what was ailing my heart at that moment. She handed over to me the newspaper which was open on page 36. Using her left hand index finger, she directed my eyes at the centre of that page. I saw it too. I said nothing.

“Professor, next time don’t come here with a newspaper. See what it has done to fellow drunkards of the county….” Marianna advised him. 

I handed the newspaper to Marinna. She examined the page properly. “But…How …How is it possible…this is – “

“Rubbish!” Kariakoo interrupted. “nengerai nyone! Kari gani?”Marianna handed the newspaper to Kariakoo. “Someone please explain this to me!” He said after throwing the paper to me.I had the opportunity to see it again. It was a 3cm by 2cm advert; or was it a warning? 

PUBLIC NOTICE

We wish to notify the general public that the person who bears the photo and the name above of ID Number 2*****39 is no longer an employee of Josiah and Company Holdings Ltd. He is no longer authorized to represent the company. We will therefore, not be liable for any transactions conducted with and by him.

The portrait looked exactly like him; the moustache, the sunken eyes and the small ears. The forehead did not embarrass our conclusion either; it was slightly distended with minor creases on the face. Yes, he was a man in his early forties. Everyone agreed that he was the one. What puzzled us was the name; it was not matching to his ‘official name’ as far as county drunkards are concerned. The portrait bore the name SALLY M. We know him as SALIM. 

“Yes, but Sally is the name of a lady –” Marianna remarked.

“And does it matter? Ritwa ni mbukio na ni riagukuria mwana.” Kariakoo was quick to interrupt. “Marianna, if Sally is his mother, then Sally in this case is his surname”

“What about ‘M’?”Wondered Siddie.

“Siddie, does it even matter? Siddie, suppose you call yourself Joshua today – bearing in mind that ‘Joshua’ is the name of a man, and thank God that the other idiot by a similar name is not here – could it alter in any way your roles as a wife?”  Kariakoo continued to elaborate his point to Siddie who was still lost “Let us assume you are my wife and I am your husband, could you not do what ladies do and I do what men do?....Stop pretending that you don’t know what I am saying, or can we do it practically?”

“People, you have forgotten that he who is the owner of this photo – because such an ugly nose is rare on this planet; it cannot belong to anybody else other than Salim – has plundered his former company. Remember he also owes this group a loan in excess of twenty three thousands Kenya Money.”Professor stated.

“He owes me too. Last month I gave him three thousand to sort out some issues with his company. I cannot remember him saying anything related to the name of the company that has decided to shame him here.” Marianna said.

“The last time I talked with him, he told me that he works with a certain Communication company.” Siddie said. 

“riu ndiui nikiii kiramumakia. It is hard to point, as a matter of fact, whether Salim is a shylock, a butcher man, a cattle rustler, a seller of illicit brew, a family counselor, a land grabber or a con man. For the years I have interacted with him, I have known him as a Kenyan who can be many things at the same time and yet practically be nothing. He is such interesting. But the great question is: how will we reclaim our twenty three thousand shillings?”

“What about my two thousand shillings which I gave him to attend his cousin’s funeral?” Siddie cried. “Or you thought that he did not owe me anything?”

“Aha! You are a lady Siddie, he is a man, can’t you both settle your grievances out of court I mean out of pub...you know what I mean, don’t you?” He turned to Marianna, “you too.” After emptying the sixth glass of the Cana concoction, he concluded “And to anybody else gullible enough to fall into Salim’s trap!”

Kariakoo’s truth was very painful. I knew I was a victim to Salim’s mischievous behavior too but I was not courageous enough to admit it. Only weak minded people admit failure.  It is unheard of for senior officials to admit personal weaknesses. I will not be the first one.