Bad things happen to other people out there, O.K.? I now know something else

People grow mad. Yeah? But not all people. How can people whom you dearly love grow mad? It is not possible. God cannot allow that, can He? Your father, your mother, your child, your sister, your brother, your cousin, your grand ma, your grand pa, your friend cannot march the streets naked in the name of madness, can they? Did I say that your aunt and your uncle cannot be found foraging the town dustbins because their mental center bolt can no longer hold? – Too bad for me, if I have not told you that naked fact. Oh! I hope you don’t imagine your dear wife or your dear husband being laughed at by strangers because of talking to themselves loudly.  Sweethearts or ‘honey’ as they are known in some quotas do not loose their mind – they are too good and too loving to roam the village swearing to undress in the full public glare – courtesy of madness. Wait a minute, there is another caliber of people that are absolutely immune to insanity. Have you ever seen beautiful daughters or wealthy sons in dirty attires because someone has arbitrarily pronounced them as desperate mental cases?  Did I hear a “Noooooo!”? It is they – “they” who matter less – that grow mad. And it is not an issue because it is only “them” that grow mad. As long as those people “who matter” to me are O.K. why fuss about the rest? Correct? How naive I have been; I now know best. No one is immune to mental break down. 17^th February 2015 will remain a historic day. Generations will narrate it with new vigor and some exaggerations. Ten years from now, the original story will have been distorted such that it will be hard to tell which version of the story will be authentic. In the drunkards circle, I know it will remain a quagmire. In fact to him, he alone, it will remain a mystery.   

Catechist Kigotho continued to beseech him, “please don’t destroy it.” His pleas fell on deaf ears. The owner of the ears seemed not to care but continued, this time with some rejuvenated energy.

“I am speaking to you and you answer not. For how long will you refuse to listen to my prayer? Tell me? Yes tell me. Am I not a man, and you a woman? Tell me. What does a woman need to treat her man good if not nicely? Am I asking too much? Tell me?” the statue of Our Lady continued to stare at him. He held it firmly by the shoulders and shouted “please, if you see I – your suffering servant, then kindly answer me. Is it bad to take one for the road? But how many had I taken? One, two, three, four, five…nine, yes nine for that hot crude rod? Jesus!” He bowed down and his forehead touched her foot. He, with a lot of pain went on “let me ask you, when liquor got finished in Cana of Galilee, what did your son do? Don’t answer me that. We all know he made them a sweeter concoction. He was happy to see happy people under the influence of that concoction. Now, why is she – you know who I am referring to; yes my wife, you are right – or rather, why did she do this to me simply because I was happy after intoxicating myself with what we all love?”  During all this time, spectators were clinging on the windows – one would only see the inside of the church through the glass windows since the victim had locked himself from inside.  A Holy Ground  which initially had only me and Catechist Kigotho, was soon becoming a market place; you know how magnetic weird things can be as far as pulling a gathering of idlers is concerned, don’t you?

“Kariakoo, please open the door,” Catechist Kigotho beseeched him even more. “And please avoid tampering with it. You know it is a sacramental.”

Wamuthoni, the choir mistress – God bless her – was the one who saved the situation. Where she got the spare key to the side door, no one knows but we were able to access the house of God through it. Kariakoo had advanced his theatrical prayers and he was now kissing the light blue statue. Everybody present was in agreement that Kariakoo was not praying – something was amiss. When we approached close – very close to him – he became silent but he maintained the firm grip of Our Lady.  He looked up in earnest. Was he in another spiritual world? Was he reading the inscription ‘AVE MARIA’ above the statue? Was he admiring something about her? Was he simply dead? – It will take years or centuries to unravel the Pandora’s Box. At this time, news had reached Mwere Primary School where Professor was lecturing Standard four scholars on ‘Artificial Sources of Light’. He found us escorting our ‘sick’ friend out of the church who was limping despite his fruitless efforts to hide that fact. How Marianna got the news, I know not, what I know is that I saw her about five minutes later after Professor’s arrival. Joshua and Siddie had already arrived earlier.

 “What is wrong with you Karias?” Siddie asked in a concerned tone.

“As your eyes can see!”Kariakoo responded.

We too could see that all was not well. His face was a scaring sight to look at. A big lump had formed above his left eye. A conspicuous mark was still there as a witness that a furious crude rungu had trespassed that head. Stains of blood were evidenced on his right jaw. Blood was still gushing out from the fresh cut on his left hand. His eyes were bleeding fire; very red in deed. He needed some professional medical attention. Marianna took hold of the bleeding hand, “What happened to your hand Karias?”

“Am I not the man in the house? Tell me. You are a woman. Why kill me? Why do you want to kill me? Tell me.” Kariakoo agonized. “Who am I? Am I not Kariakoo?” he looked at the bewildered on lookers “who are you? What do you want? Mutiri na wira wa kuruta mang’ethia ici?”

Different groups had started to form in front of St Joseph Cafasso Catholic Church. Some comprised of three people, others six, yet others two. “But how did he gain access to the church?” asked one lady in a group comprising two other ladies and a man.

“His wife came back yesterday and found him drunk silly. Some people say that there were heated disagreements between him and her. Other people say that she attacked him when he was asleep. I don’t know,” another woman in another group continued to narrate the ordeal to two other women and three men “but what I know, and swear to know, is that his wife beat him up with a piece of firewood that was burning. He wanted to roast him like a potato.”

“I heard ‘Twa! Twa! Twa!” and I heard a cry….No! A child cannot cry like that. I knew it was he. I know his voice .I knew his head was in danger. I rushed quickly, only to meet with him at his main gate. He asked me, panting and with fury ‘where has that devil run to?’He did not wait for my reply.Little did I know that his  frenzied chase would land him into the temple where he would stain the statue of Mother of Jesus with blood.”  The man, yet in another group of six comprising other six – all women – continued “he should thank God that his private parts were not chopped off –“ 

“And fed to the dogs!” thus concluded one of the women who seemed to be in a celebratory mood.

As he continued receiving first aid from Marianna and Siddie, away from the unhelpful crowd, Joshua and I organized for a means of transport to rush him to the hospital. There are people whom we will forever be indebted to; Mr. Sylvester is one of them. He allowed us to use his car –it is people like Sylvester that God will keep blessing more.

In hospital, we: Siddie, Joshua and me, tried to inquire more from Kariakoo after he regained some senses. Were it not for Marianna, who insisted that we had to give him a rest, he was ready to narrate a pathetic story which he had begun on a courageous note, “what I had all along associated with other people, and never thought that I could become a victim one day, finally happened to me. 17^th February 2015 will remain etched in my mind –.”

"Yes but first have a rest dear Karias, you have all the time to tell it to us once you are the real Kariakoo."Marianna interrupted.

So, what does he do to earn a living?

“You can fool some people some time but you cannot fool all the people all the time”

“Who has fooled you professor?”

“I have always suspected him. Now let us see who is smarter.”

“Professor, are you ok?” Kariakoo continued to prod him further.

“Kariakoo, you need to be worried. We have been drinking with thugs.” Professor told Kariakoo.

“So after teaching Christian Religious Education to class four’s, you come here to hurl insults to us by calling us thieves,” I felt like slapping his face. I was mad at him “so, can you name that which we have stolen from you now!”

“Prof, why are you calling us thieves?” Siddie was very concerned.

“It is ridiculous that some people who possess nothing worth stealing can claim to be stolen.” Marianna continued, “Prof, apart from the recent  scandal which forced your wife to run away  with your boots, has someone else stolen your pants....or who is this that is terrorizing you?” 

Professor remained unperturbed by our utterances.  He instead gestured to the barmaid who came close to him. “Can you decorate this table with twelve bottles? Yes, I mean twelve” He then turned to his left. Marianna was still looking at him – demanding an explicit answer. On his direct opposite, Siddie was still coming into terms with a name tag ‘thief’. She must have felt the agony experienced by one who is honest and innocent being arbitrarily branded by the society as a ‘thief’. I remained silent ; I was not sure what plan of action to take against him. Kariakoo was un-affected. In fact he seemed to be enjoying the ‘heated’ atmosphere that was engulfing Thirsty Throats Pub.

The barmaid, known by other name as The Lady-In-Red by Professor – the first time his eyes rested on her, she was wearing a red knee-length dress. Ever since, he has maintained the habit of addressing her in relation to that dress – placed twelve bottles of Cana Concoction on the table. “Thank you,” he told her. He foraged into his breast -pocket and handed to her some notes. He added – with manly-pride, “for the total bill please?” He turned to us. “Siddie and Marianna” he paused, Kariakoo looked at him cunningly wondering why he had left out his name, he continued “You are not thieves.”

“So it is he,” Kariakoo said pointing at me “who is a thief – “

“I am not your grandfather!” I told Kariakoo after landing a heavy blow on Siddie’s face by accident. Kariakoo must have sensed the looming danger; he was quick to evade the ranging hand. It was too late to control it; unfortunately it landed on the beautiful face of Siddie. On her part, Siddie forgave me but I still regret up to this day that I had to go to such extent. I wish I had ignored that fool. 

“Hey! Mr. Chairman, this time you have gone too far,” Professor teased me. “Women are no longer beaten these days. It is a sign of weakness to beat a lady. Are you not man enough to argue your case out?" He seemed not to know how sorry I felt. He also seemed ignorant of the fact that it was just an accident. I wished he could stop trending on that tormenting line. He did not. “Will you not speak up after inflicting pain on a harmless lady Mr. Chairman?”

“Prof, stop it please. It is I who has been beaten. It is also I who has forgiven. I have no grudge against him. I have no grudge against anybody here too.” Siddie’s voice prompted all the drunkards to listen to her. She continued, “Prof, can you come out clean about the thief or the thieves, either real or imagined, who seem to have possessed your mind this evening please”

Professor took out a newspaper from his  old bag  and gave it to Siddie. “Your thief is there!”

“Where, please?”

“Siddie, don’t tell me that you can’t see him there,” Professor told her. “You can try to find him near the obituaries section. I am sure you will be able to locate that burglar.”

Siddie perused through the pages quickly until she came across it. She looked at it without uttering any word. She looked at it again. To be certain that her eyes were not playing abracadabra with her; she looked at it for the third time. She then looked at Professor but said nothing. Professor said nothing too.

“What is wrong with you people today?” I threw the question to no one in particular. To ‘whom it may concern’ would answer. Nobody answered. Shame overwhelmed me. Was I loosing relevance as the de facto Mr. Chairman – a.k.a. Senior Gossiper – of Thirsty Throats Self Help Group?

Siddie must have sensed what was ailing my heart at that moment. She handed over to me the newspaper which was open on page 36. Using her left hand index finger, she directed my eyes at the centre of that page. I saw it too. I said nothing.

“Professor, next time don’t come here with a newspaper. See what it has done to fellow drunkards of the county….” Marianna advised him. 

I handed the newspaper to Marinna. She examined the page properly. “But…How …How is it possible…this is – “

“Rubbish!” Kariakoo interrupted. “nengerai nyone! Kari gani?”Marianna handed the newspaper to Kariakoo. “Someone please explain this to me!” He said after throwing the paper to me.I had the opportunity to see it again. It was a 3cm by 2cm advert; or was it a warning? 

PUBLIC NOTICE

We wish to notify the general public that the person who bears the photo and the name above of ID Number 2*****39 is no longer an employee of Josiah and Company Holdings Ltd. He is no longer authorized to represent the company. We will therefore, not be liable for any transactions conducted with and by him.

The portrait looked exactly like him; the moustache, the sunken eyes and the small ears. The forehead did not embarrass our conclusion either; it was slightly distended with minor creases on the face. Yes, he was a man in his early forties. Everyone agreed that he was the one. What puzzled us was the name; it was not matching to his ‘official name’ as far as county drunkards are concerned. The portrait bore the name SALLY M. We know him as SALIM. 

“Yes, but Sally is the name of a lady –” Marianna remarked.

“And does it matter? Ritwa ni mbukio na ni riagukuria mwana.” Kariakoo was quick to interrupt. “Marianna, if Sally is his mother, then Sally in this case is his surname”

“What about ‘M’?”Wondered Siddie.

“Siddie, does it even matter? Siddie, suppose you call yourself Joshua today – bearing in mind that ‘Joshua’ is the name of a man, and thank God that the other idiot by a similar name is not here – could it alter in any way your roles as a wife?”  Kariakoo continued to elaborate his point to Siddie who was still lost “Let us assume you are my wife and I am your husband, could you not do what ladies do and I do what men do?....Stop pretending that you don’t know what I am saying, or can we do it practically?”

“People, you have forgotten that he who is the owner of this photo – because such an ugly nose is rare on this planet; it cannot belong to anybody else other than Salim – has plundered his former company. Remember he also owes this group a loan in excess of twenty three thousands Kenya Money.”Professor stated.

“He owes me too. Last month I gave him three thousand to sort out some issues with his company. I cannot remember him saying anything related to the name of the company that has decided to shame him here.” Marianna said.

“The last time I talked with him, he told me that he works with a certain Communication company.” Siddie said. 

“riu ndiui nikiii kiramumakia. It is hard to point, as a matter of fact, whether Salim is a shylock, a butcher man, a cattle rustler, a seller of illicit brew, a family counselor, a land grabber or a con man. For the years I have interacted with him, I have known him as a Kenyan who can be many things at the same time and yet practically be nothing. He is such interesting. But the great question is: how will we reclaim our twenty three thousand shillings?”

“What about my two thousand shillings which I gave him to attend his cousin’s funeral?” Siddie cried. “Or you thought that he did not owe me anything?”

“Aha! You are a lady Siddie, he is a man, can’t you both settle your grievances out of court I mean out of pub...you know what I mean, don’t you?” He turned to Marianna, “you too.” After emptying the sixth glass of the Cana concoction, he concluded “And to anybody else gullible enough to fall into Salim’s trap!”

Kariakoo’s truth was very painful. I knew I was a victim to Salim’s mischievous behavior too but I was not courageous enough to admit it. Only weak minded people admit failure.  It is unheard of for senior officials to admit personal weaknesses. I will not be the first one.

If it must not be in the name of love, then I don’t know what it must be

“Aaaaai Prof, you can’t be such mean. Just this one for your wife this Valentine, don’t you love her?” Marianna probed. It was not clear whether she wanted to shame Professor or she had another intention. Those who know more about other people’s families more than they know about theirs (each village has at least two, a man and a woman. The woman is called Nyakang’a in the environs of Thirsty Throats pub. I don’t know what a man is called), will tell you that Professor has not been in very good terms with his first lady.  Marianna’s remark was like adding sodium chloride into a festering wound.

 “Where did you take this photo from?” Professor inquired from Marianna, still holding her Samsung touch screen phone unsure whether to drop it down or hand it back to her. The conversation which he had jokingly initiated to tease her, was taking a different route. He had not anticipated this. He must have regretted. He continued gazing at the photographed ‘queen’ wearing the dress which she was recommending for Ms Professor. She must have intentionally taken it few days ago, to challenge and embarrass some drunkards on that day.

“But, eeeh, I mean, aaaa…..”

“Are we not drinking ndugugio from the same jerrycan as this miserable teacher here tondu ambiririia gutondoiora tene uguo? Speak up Prof!” Kariakoo’s remark invited disaster.

“You can’t harm him as I watch!” Marianna took hold of Prof’s arm that could have disfigured the head of the keeper of cattle and added “you know he is just the licensed village idiot, do it to me instead”

“I am not idiot. I have sired great men and women in this county and else where” as a matter of fact Kariakoo added “hiiiii ndukairire karagita hunyu!”

“Aziii! You say ‘great’ Kariakoo?” Siddie wondered “Wah! This is what I call life!” 

       

“You are doubting my ‘hard work’ Siddie?...Ngugegie? My first daughter is your age mate. I hear from people, that she is a big woman in this country” Kariakoo – with a feeling of importance added, “na ndiretia.”

“Is it true that you have been married to so many wives?” I asked Kariakoo to confirm a rumor that has been doing round in the county.

“You have said it because the one that I have now is the sixth one,” Kariakoo added “apart from the second and the fourth wives, the rest escaped with two children each. Ciana ciakwa  nii mwene” Kariakoo was very happy to parade the fruits of his labor.

“And you can’t be ashamed Karias?”Siddie mused.

“Siddie, Kai utoi Ngai? If you refuse to get many children, how do you expect this world to be filled up? Did God not tell them to multiply and fill the earth? Siddie, Niurona ta tukuhiriirie kumiihuria?” Kariakoo justified his actions.

“Kariakoo, you are a spoilt child. Reread your Bible and underline the words ‘subdue it’, not just filling. You think we are condemned to breed like rabbits? Shame on you! Who was your nursery school teacher? “Marianna was not very happy.

“There is something called decorum,” Professor intervened in a very confident but commanding tone “lack of it to so many people here is a detriment to harmonious co-existence.”

 “Yes, tell them…”

“You too. You should not attempt to exonerate yourself Kariakoo. In fact you are the head honcho as far as moral bankruptcy is concerned. Ok, that aside. Marianna is accusing me of not dressing my wife elegantly like this socialite here” he held the touch screen higher for us to have a better view “She is recommending similar attire for my wife this Christmas.”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! huuuuuu! You guys have chosen to amuse me today. Prof, eti Christmas...?” Siddie was dazzled.

“We all love Christmas, don’t we? We are the luckiest drunkards now that Christmas has decided to appear this early. Can I see that picture too?”

Professor handed over the phone to Kariakoo. Kariakoo’s eyes were for some time fixated on that screen. We learnt later that he was not obsessed by the dress per se, but by the body on which it was worn. He finally declared “I will buy this one for my wife.”

“Can I see it too,” I requested Kariakoo. He was not in a hurry to let us share in his newly found glory.

“And you have a new message Marianna. Kana ni ndu ino inyui muui?”  Kariakoo held the screen very close to my face. I saw the alert.

“He is right. You have a new text message Marianna” I told her.

“Who is the sender?” Marianna enquired.

“It is from a number. The name is not displayed” I assured her.

“What does the number want from me?”

“Marianna, you have forgotten that we are not angels or Masonic. How can we know na tutithomete?”

“I know you are not Michael the Arch Angel; you are Karias, but are you not the one with the phone right now?”

“Alcoholic men and women, ciira muingi ni wa uthoni ugikua, l will read it now. Kariakoo gulped one mouthful of the Cana concoction to help him clear the throat. He raised his voice and he read: “Daktari, if a million people love you, I am the first one. If only one person loves you I am the one.  Esi ti hch…hich….what is this?”

“That is the word ‘sweet heart’” I told him.

“Aak! How much does it cost to write words in full instead of these ‘Ss Ts and Rs and Ws’? ”

“You known what Kariakoo, Some people find it tantalizingly romantic to write in short forms.” To hammer the point further into his head, I said “You should also know that the message was not meant for you. You are simply intruding into someone’s dressing room”

“ Eeee? Ok! So with those ‘SSS understood as sweet heart, let us go on.” He coughed and read with some overtones of sarcasm “Sweet heart, have a happy valentine.”

Professor jerked from his stool and stood up holding two glasses  full of concoction  on each hand – one for him and one for Marianna – and shouted “Hoiiiiii, let us drink for the health and love of one Marrrrrri………a………naaaaaaa!”  It was Marianna’s turn to feel embarrassed but the ecstasy was too tempting to resist. He sat down and put his right hand on Marianna’s shoulder. He allowed the hand to suspend freely – the hand desired to trespass some parts, but it dared not. The concoction’s influence gave him an illusion that only Marianna heard him, but all the same we heard what he told her “I will buy that dress for you.”

“And Professor, do you take Marianna to be your lovely wedded wife,” we all looked towards the direction of the voice. I t was Joshua and Salim announcing the arrival of their ugly sight. They were both drunk. Joshua’s eyes had been quick to spot the lovebirds. All the patrons gazed at these drunkards. Joshua went on, “in times of anger and in plenty of food, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish?”

“Yes, in times of sobriety and impropriety, I do.” Professor responded.

“But which society or religion allows a woman to be married to two men? Or you think that I am not married?”  Marianna posed.

“Haiya!  So you are married?” Kariakoo asked with a lot of concern. Before she could respond, he turned to Siddie who was busy chatting with Salim and implored her “you too?”

“You are speaking to me Karias?” Siddie invited Kariakoo to repeat again.

“Yes. I am asking whether there is any man who call you ‘my wife’ in this county or elsewhere ndui mundu utoi amenyaga erwo”

“Karias, just keep a safe distance away from my private life. Whether there is or there isn’t, is none of  your business. Otherwise just take care of your many wives this valentine.” She turned to the rest of us “excuse me people, I am sorry but I must leave”

“Can I escort you?” Kariakoo requested her as she was exchanging some words with me.

“Thanks, but there is no need.” Siddie politely told Kariakoo. She shortly left.

“Ahaa! I know where she has gone to.” Kariakoo went at the window. He watched Siddie until the winding road that connects the pub to the main road swallowed her. Sleep hijacked him while standing there.

Siddie’s departure provoked a different kind of a longing to everyone. The conversation became less and less intense. Professor was dead silent. His eyes betrayed the fact that he was very intoxicated. Salim concentrated on emptying the bottles. Marianna was doing something with her phone. My mind kept wandering from the pub, to the drunkards, to elsewhere and back again. Fun moments last briefly; why? Only God knows.

If we die poor, it is because we can’t agree on the type of business to start

If my memory is right, I can remember telling them – six drunkards in total – something like this: “your discussion is flawed; it can’t break-even (whatever that means). Why don’t you consider some lesser demanding topics such as ‘the adaptation of iguanas’ or ‘the fall of Jericho’ people”? To drive my point further, I remember saying “if you think that I am demanding too much, you can concentrate on your drinks. No one is condemned to talk all the night; silence is also a form of noble communication.” I still doubt whether they understood me.

Marianna – the drunkards’ secretary – had not anticipated that what she had introduced as a naive suggestion would turn out to be a waste of time. “Don’t you think that it is wise that we start an income generating activity (IGA) Instead of this endless indulgence to alcohol?”

“I propose that we start a curio shop, Marianna,” Siddie suggested in support of such a debate.

“Siddie, what is this thing you call curiosity? Is it the one that was killed by rats? Kana ni ndu ichi ureta korokoro anga kii?” Kariakoo’s remark irritated her. And in a low tone, he went ahead careful not to hurt her gain “I mean no harm dear but how do you expect us to start a carry powder business, kana ni nduka yakii urauga tuige?”

“You don’t have to parade your ugly ignorance here Kariakoo; you better shut that foul mouth if you don’t know what a curio shop is. Anyway Siddie, a curio shop can succeed in a place frequented by tourists. Are you prepared to convince drunkards the likes of Salim to spend their hard earned cash on crocodile carvings instead of this concoction Siddie?” Professor posed.

“You are very unfair to Siddie’s suggestion,” Joshua intervened. “Honestly speaking, I don’t know what a curio shop is. I am therefore unfit to speak for or against such a shop. Honorable drunkard county men and women, why don’t we start a church? Are you in support of my idea Salim?”

“You see I am not a Christian…!” Salim spoke at last.              

“We know that you are a Muslim, but that should not frustrate my brilliant proposal”

“Joshua do yourself justice. Keep quiet. The fact that you were ex-communicated from Happy Valley Anointing Church is not a license to go on poking your ugly nose to other people’s religions. I am neither a Christian nor a Muslim; I belong to that religion called ‘other’. If you have brains, you have understood!” Salim was serious.

“Eik! People, moderate your words.” I told Salim and Joshua who had both decided to seek refuge in their concoctions after verbally attacking each other. To show how impartial I was I invited the other drunkards to give their opinions. 

“I think Joshua is a jean (he meant genius). To become stinking rich these days, start a church. Having served as an Associate Reverend of Happy Valley Anointing Church, I believe we can bank on the big experience he gained there.  If you make me treasurer, we can ordain Joshua as the Senior Reverend. I know he can deliver.  His ‘strong’ sermons are still fresh in my mind. Kiria tukubatara is just a task force to check his movements lest he 'messes' with with the young pretty girls of the choir.” Looking at the rest of us Kariakoo posed, “Do you want what happened in Happy Valley to repeat itself in our church?”

 “Joshua has suffered enough emotionally since that fateful day. Wee need not humiliate him further especially in this pub. Do you comprehend my point  Kariakoo? Otherwise, any business – including those clandestine assignments – must respect the Jacobean rule of demand and supply.” Professor turned to Joshua and dared him “Joshua, how viable and sustainable is your business idea?”

“I regret having regarded you (he was referring to Professor) in deep ewe (he meant awe) and reverence all along” Kariakoo interrupted denying Joshua the opportunity to respond to Professor’s question immediately. “I wonder what you cheat in school. You don’t need spectacles to see sinners all over. Thanks to the appealing and tempting nature of sins. These sinners require a constant reminder that their bodies will painfully burn to ashes in hell if they don’t change. Ha! Ha! Ha! I like that.” We all looked at Kariakoo as he advanced the fantasy “How many agree with me that we are capable of supplying the ‘gospel of fear’ in gallons to the people?” Some drunken bass voices groaned in agreement. He had spoken out his mind again – without fear or favor.

Deep inside my heart, I knew that I was not very ready to consent to such an enterprise. I knew it would be a recipe for disaster. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob would send curses to the drunkards of the county in plenty. Failure to let the ‘will of the majority’ prevail would definitely result to a coup d’état. I was not psychologically prepared to see Kariakoo ascend to chairmanship (it is no longer a secret that he harbors such ambitions) for sins of commission and omission. Unsure of what to do, I said “it is written: Thou shall not worship any other God.” If I knew best, I would not have said that.

“Eheeee! Mr. Chairman, you can set up a public toilet instead. As a matter of advice, that sounds like an honest holy business. But, I say ‘but’, count us out,” Kariakoo was serious. “You are an obstetrics (he meant an ‘obstacle’) and an enemy of progress. When money became our god, we buried Saint Honesty without a funeral. We don’t even feel guilty these days, do we?”

“Mr. Senior Gossiper –” I lazily raised my eyes to see who else wanted to frustrate the chair further. It was Joshua. “The key issue is to come up with a formula of milking as much money from the people as possible. What is wrong doing it every Sunday? If the demand is high, we can think of introducing morning devotions every Wednesday. Mind not, the end justifies the means.”

“I don’t support the idea of starting a church.” Marianna spoke her mind. “Why don’t we start a beauty salon?”

Siddie was very quick to second Marianna “I back you up Marianna.”

“Ehee! Ok! Saloooon…! Siiiiddie… Saaaalon..! Maaaarianna…! Ahaaa…! Will your hair,” Kariakoo wondered making queer eye glances to Siddie “be made up there; I mean added a make-up there or elsewhere? I am assessing how much we will have to loose, because we will loose anyway. According to my guess work, I mean nimuririhaga? (He was asking Sidddie and Marianna – who as a matter of fact, would require the services of such a facility” Kariakoo was very drunk. 

The drunkards must have continued wrestling with each other vigorously – verbally though – but how I ended up in Marianna’s house remain a mystery. I don’t even know what the drunkards concluded – If in any case they concluded. I don’t even know how the bills were settled. What I know is that I took breakfast at Marianna’s coffee table the following morning.